so...what a week. its amazing the things that can happen in just one week. things were good on sunday, and now they suck. so ryan is being a bastard, but whats new? he is a coward too. he had to go all the way across the world to fess up that he has been a jackass to me. i hate him. i dont understand why things like this just keep happening to me. like it doesn't make sense. i realize that i have not made some great decisions, but i have learned from them. i just wished that i could catch a break sometimes. gosh. there was a time when i was like borderline depressed...i am heading back in that direction now. i dont see the point in even letting people into my life anymore, cause all's they end up doing is hurting me. and to be quite honest, i am about sick and tired of hurting. it just sucks completely. how is it that all of my friends are with someone, and i have no one???? i guess its cause God has something bigger planned for me. but sometimes i feel like He doesnt even care about me. i know thats awful to say...but what do you expect?

i just wanna live in a hole. no one there can bother me or hurt me. i am 22 years old, and i am tired of this crap, its just ridiculous. i dont wanna be single when i graduate. i wanna know that my life is actually headed in a positive direction. i guess thats a year from now, so anything can happen. i know i said i hated ryan, but even with all this stupid stuff going on, i still feel like he is the one for me. i dont know why. i guess if he isnt, then someone else will pop into my life and sweep me off my feet. and i pray that they can actually keep a promise. ugh. i am pathetic. just shoot me now please.

oh...and to top things off...i am getting braces in a week. i rule.

Wow...has it been an eternity and a day since I have last written anything. I decided to start this thing up again cause I have alot going on in my mind right now, and I need a place to write down my thoughts...no one understands or cares about what I am going through right now so this is my next best option.

So, he left. I dreaded this day so much. I never wanted it to come but now that it has, there is nothing I can do about it. A lot of people don't get why I continue to pursue this whole thing. They only see one side of it. They dont know what really goes on. I love him. Is that so hard to believe? Apparently it is. I just dont get it. Its hard to really describe what it is that I am exactly feeling....

I have been through a crap load in the last 4 years. I am amazed that I am still standing to be honest. But he was different. He makes me feel alive. I haven't felt that in a long time. I KNOW that he is the one for me. I know that. Why can't people believe me? everyone just thinks I am nuts...well SCREW YOU!!!

I am so scared about these next 3 months. Terrified actually. I hate not knowing what is going to happen. I give myself a pep talk all the time saying "Kristi...you are fine, he's coming back." But that only works for so long. Yeah, sure he is coming back, but whats going to happen when he gets here? I hate not knowing. I know that if I put my trust in God, I know that I am going to be fine. Its the not knowing that is so hard. I am confident in how I feel. And I am pretty confident in how he feels. I just hope for once in my life, I can catch a break and have something unbelievable.

Wish me luck...

Well, this has been quite the weekend. It has been soo awesome to see my bestest friends in the world. I didnt realize that I missed them this much till I saw them for the first time in months!

So...I am stuck. BIG time. Alot has happened this weekend that has really opened up my eyes about things. Showed me things that I wanted, what I didnt want, and stuff that really bothers me when I wouldnt think that it would. Its not until you completely lose something, that you realize what you truly want, deep down in your heart. I never really thought about this happening because I never thought that it would for some reason. But now it has, and I dont like it at all. Am I jealous? Yes....and I am not really the jealous type. But if there is anything that I have learned...its that I just have to be patient and let this work itself out. God is in control.....DONT FORGET THAT!

Well I am home now. I am so happy! I had a rather productive day today too, I am proud of myself. Lets see...I woke up at 8:45...went tanning and got my hair cut. Then I cam home and did three loads of laundry! Ride the motorcycle with my dad, went to Ace Hardware, then I mowed the yard. Then showered....napped, and then my momma and I went out to dinner, and went shopping. Then I went to my bro's house and hung out. See....I am not as lazy as I seem.

I get to see Meghan tomorrow. YAY!!! I need to go hang up my clothes. My feet are really dirty from walking around barefoot like all day. Thats gross.

I am still bummed....too bad it couldnt work. Oh well....God has my back.

Been a long week already...and its only Monday.

Don't worry so much. You didnt hurt me. I saved myself before that happened. You are amazing. Someday, someone will be very lucky. As for me....just means that God has bigger and better plans for me...and you. I am not hurt......so please quit your worrying. I am thankful that I even got to know you. I made another new friend, and that makes me happy! So...you quit feeling so terrible!

I am anxious to go home. I am getting tired of Bethel. Meghan is coming home Friday and I am soooo completely pumped! Its been far too long since I have seen my bestest friend! And I need her now more than ever! I love you Meggie!

I have nowhere to live for May term. I am not for sure what I am going to do. I sure as hell cant drive that every single day. I think that I am just going to quit school. It makes the most sense right now. Poop on it!

I am done complaining. I wanna watch a funny movie right now, but I dont have any. Bye!

I didn't think that it was going to hurt this bad. I know what I did was for the best. I know that I needed to do it. But now that I have...I am second guessing myself. I know that everything is going to work out in the end.....but still....I feel so sad inside. I was doing fine all day and all yesterday until I saw him and talked to him. It was so hard to push those feelings of attraction away. I guess that its just going to take some time. Hopefully not a long time. I don't think that I can handle all this much longer. Its tiring. Let me tell you. And a little stressful too for that matter. I need to stop whining and just thank God for the things that He has blessed me with.

Ok, I am done complaining. I will just suck it up and deal with it. What other choice do I have anyways?

I am ready to go home and get away from here.

So....I cant decide how I feel right now. I am soo completely bummed, sad, hurt, confused, angry, and pissed. But at the same time, I am happy, and relieved. Its nice knowing how someone feels about you, even if it wasnt exactly what I wanted to hear. Sure, I had it all planned out in my mind where I saw things going....but in my heart, I knew that it wasnt what I was supposed to be doing. I am glad that I met this person. He is an amazing guy, and he has just made me want to be a better person in the short time we hung out. I value his friendship very much. But this was obviously not God's plan for me, and I am okay with that. Atleast I think I am. I know that God has something planned for me that I could never concieve of, but I cant help but wonder why I have to hurt in order to reach that point of amazement. I suppose that I will just find out in the end.

However, I am so thankful that I have friends who care and love me ever soo deeply. If it werent for Hannah and Naomi cornering me and yelling at me, then I would never have done what needed to be done. So thank you girls. I love you to Uranus and back!

And this is for "you" Thank you for everything, you dont realize how much I really truly care about you. And just know one thing.....I am praying for you. Thanks!

I forgot one more thing that I want....and that is that I want a guy. One preferably like Matthew McConaughey. I really like his little white button up shirts. Those are hot. Actually, everything about him is hot. His curly hair....AMAZING body.....tan skin......great smile. God has definetly blessed him thats for sure! Ok, thats all. Bye!

I want to be happy. I want to play Tetris on Seth's phone. I want to hold hands with a boy. I want a chocolate vanilla chai tea. I want to be on the beach. I want to go to Fiji and never come back. I want a guy to want me. I want that same guy to fight for me, fight so hard that it challenges their relationship with God so much because my relationship with Christ is so strong that you can barely get to me. (if that makes sense). I want to be at Kent State with my best friend Meghan. I dont want to be at Bethel. I want to be out on the lake with all my girls soaking up the sun. I want summer weather. I want to move to Colorado. I want a hug. I want a kiss. I want new clothes. I want to buy a really expensive pair of shoes. I want so many more things, but that will take forever to list them all. But there is one thing that I want more than anything...and that is that I want Jesus to totally and completely consume me that there is no going back. That i will be completely sold out for Him. I want that. I spose that I should make that happen then. But I dont want to. Is that bad?

Want in one hand, spit in the other....what do you get? You get a nasty loogie in your hand. And thats just gross.

I want YOU!

Well, today was a productive day for me. I have 5 classes on Mondays, and today I went to one of them! I know, I am such a slacker! But its so hard when its so close to the end of the year. Not to mention, since I have changed my major, half of these classes dont even count, so its especially hard to stay motivated. But I am really trying to do well...I know that it seems impossible since I dont do anything...I promise you that I am!!

I am gonna miss it up here soo much this summer. I have made sooo many amazing friends, its crazy! I seriously dont know what I am going to do without everyone this summer. I mean, I am gonna be glad that I dont have the school work and crap, but still....my friends will be missed!

I am really tired right now, but I dont want to go to bed. I should though because Naomi and I have this dumb idea to get up at 7:30 in the morning and go running. Dumb I know....but its good for me. I dont really have much to talk about....things are well i spose. I am really hot right now though....boo to that. So, I am going to go now. Good bye!